Hi, my name is Recovery Rhonda and I'm part of the women seeking wholeness group @ Freedom Session. This is the group for survivors of sexual and child abuse, as well as physical & emotional abuse. We are often classified and even classify ourselves as "victims".  I now realize God doesn't view me this way, so I no longer do either.  And I no longer live my life, thinking the world owes me something.

I could tell you my name - but I think it's more important that you realize my story is the story of many women attending Freedom Session.  As a result of our woundedness, many of us have developed coping skills of control and /or isolation & silence, which make us feel protected and safe. It makes a lot of sense, to me at least. You see control over my body, sexuality and emotional core was taken away from me and so CONTROL became a core value of my life and my preferred "drug of choice."  But so far, control has only lessened my pain. It has never brought happiness or healing. I am so grateful to Jesus Christ who has begun a healing work in my life, enabling me to lay down these destructive habits. It's hard, but it feels good to learn that Jesus is my Security and my Protector.

I am sharing my story for two reasons:   

Firstly, I would like men to understand how deeply you can wound young girls and women for life. I don't understand the kind of lust some of you struggle with that causes you to look at naked women and indulge yourself sexually at their expense. That hurts me deeply and makes me feel used. And I certainly don't understand why a man would ever feel the need (or even the desire) to sexually violate a little girl. All I know is what it feels like on the other end. My hope is that my story will help motivate you to find healing in your own life and addiction.

The second reason I want to share my story is because I want you women who have also been abused to know that healing is possible. Forgiveness is also possible, even necessary for unless we are willing to walk that direction, in our own way, we also become abusers by our need to protect ourselves and control others around us whom we love. My hope is that my story will encourage you to continue with and work hard in your freedom journey.

I was born the 4th out of 5 children into a very, very poor family - the kind of poor you see on TV.  My mom spent her days working in an office and her evenings tutoring students, while my father drove a taxi.  Even with my parents working long hours there was never enough food to eat, and love was hard to come by.  As children we were left to fend on our own.  And with both parents working all the time I was given the responsibilities of the mother role.  The evenings were the worst.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was very bitter.  My parents would fight every night, while we clung to each other "in bed."  It was a very lonely time for me.

When I was 13, after a normal day of school my life changed forever. I completed my now habitual chores and waited.  The afternoon wore into evening and into the night; then days.  Mom never returned.  We didn't know if she was dead or alive - fear and loneliness plagued my life and I found myself replacing mom's role with all the household chores being my responsibility.  It was a dog's life and soon it got worse.

At 13, I was raped - by my brother.  I remember fighting and struggling to get away but, I was too weak, and there was no one around to help or protect me.  When it was over, I told no one and lived in silent pain.  I was tired of being harassed with the memories so I swallowed some rat poison to end my tormented life.  They discovered me lying unconscious on the floor.  I was "lucky" they said.  I did not tell them I had intentionally swallowed the poison and that I wanted to die.  Instead, I remained quiet.

Meanwhile, my brother was acting as though nothing happened and I lived in perpetual fear.  I finally decided that I had to tell someone as living in the same house as my brother was hell.  I told my father who did nothing.  I don't even know whether he believed me or not, but he quickly used my loss for his gain.  Perhaps my brother's actions gave him his own ideas and soon after, my father began to rape me.  Maybe he figured it was his right since his wife was gone and I was the oldest daughter, I'm not sure.  I was routinely raped for three and a half years.  The shame of what I was and what I had become smeared into every aspect of my life and once again I was left in my pain and despair in silence.

Soon after, my world changed again.  After four years, a family friend drove me and my sister to the train station.  There, after four years, stood my mom.  She quickly told us that she had been trying to save money so that she could bring her children to live with her so that we may have a better life.  Mom could only afford to take my sister and me.  We left without saying a single goodbye to my family or friends.

In our new home, in a very different part of the country, I began dating a boy and, a year later, became pregnant.  My mom forced me to have an abortion because the child would be born out of wedlock.  It's hard to describe the pain I suffered as I faced the loss of my baby.  The situation was hushed up and the boy and I stopped dating.  Once again I was forced into silence.  It is only very recently that I've come to face this memory and loss.  It is amazing the damage that silence has had on my life and the freedom I've found in the telling of the truth.  This is one of the gifts of Freedom Session - a place we can learn to face and live with the truth!  Just recently I told both my husband and my daughter - no more secrets.  God's word is true - the truth really does set you free.  Keeping shame, fear and guilt buried only gives satan what he needs to control our lives with lies and destroy our futures.

Not long after the abortion I was married.  Mom was convinced that she found the perfect man for me.  We met and he liked me.  I just wanted to get out of the house.  At that time my mom was living with an alcoholic who was also abusive - same nightmare, the same horror, just a different name & face.  I was starved for love and found myself unsatisfied with my marriage.  I did become pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, however, the first love of my life.  But I also became restless and two affairs (on my part) later, our marriage ended in divorce.

A year later I married again, this time for love.  I conceived and gave birth to a son in this marriage and thought I had found happiness.  That ended with him having an affair and I was on my own again, this time with two kids.

After seven years of being a single mother, I met my soon-to-be third husband.  This man was unlike any other man I'd met before.  He didn't cringe when I told him about my two children, and he did not want a one-night stand.  He was different.  I began to wonder aloud why he was so different and then one day he showed me.  He took the three of us to church.  Hearing about forgiveness and love shattered world.  I heard about a God who wanted to take all my pain, all my sorrows, all my deviancies and not hold them against me.  I heard about a God who accepted me and cherished me.  Soon after, I became a believer in Jesus Christ.

My mom disowned me, and my family shunned me.  Life again became very hard.  Yet, as a new follower of Jesus I realized that Jesus not only died for my sins but also for those who had hurt me deeply.  This was very painful and difficult to accept but at the same time I knew it was true.  As hard as it was for me to do, and as hard as it is for you to hear, Jesus then showed me that the next step in my healing was to forgive those who wounded me just as He had forgiven me.  A few years ago I would have thought that was impossible.  But I have now discovered I can do it and it has made all the difference in the world.

Yes, I have been broken, used and abandoned.  But I can look back and clearly see how God's heart grieved for me, how He did protected me in all of my experiences.  I think back to the day I drank the poison and I know that I did not die for a reason; God has a purpose for me and for my life.  My children were once my only motivation for living, but I can see now that there is so much more to live for.  So much more hope to cling to. Jesus Christ is alive; He has been raised from the dead back to life; he has raised me from death back to life; and He wants to do the same for you.

Since attending Freedom Session I have begun to see that God has a bigger purpose for my life and have recently made big changes in order to organize my life around His priorities and get more involved in serving/ helping others.  I'm looking forward to God continuing His healing work in my life.

My greatest wish is for you to personally invite Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life, Lord of your pain & healing journey because it really does make all the difference.  If you call on God to heal you, some day He'll use you to heal others.  I encourage you to embrace this golden opportunity.  The rewards are limitless.  Thank you for reading my story.